2021 - Its been 10 years

 I believe my awareness level is higher, now that I have heard about affect. But perhaps not where I want to be. I get annoyed then I notice or become aware that I am in hyper mode. I wish I could catch myself before I go into hyper mode. And I have been asking myself alot of questions. Such as why do I get irritated and upset with people. People who .... say I met on the streets and are not behaving the way I think they should, e.g. playing dramas loudly on their phones, walking in a zig zag way and blocking me, walking slowly in front of me, being totally clueless and unaware and thus blocking the escalator.  Why? Why are these all a big deal to me? It shouldn't be. It has almost nothing to do with me. Why do I get so upset? What triggers it? Why does my body go into hyper mode? And then I am unable to regulate my affect and return to the peaceful 5-6 mode.  This is really frustrating.  At the same time, i know my journey of healing started long ago. How long? I do...

Trauma - We deal with and defend against harm and heartache in the way that we learnt how to mitigate it when we were young. Look at how we had built our defend structures to mitigate the pain and heartache when we were young. A-tunement establishes the possibility of secure attachment. Attachment - Influences how I relate to the people around me, INCLUDING GOD. I have  a insecure attachment style. Ambivalent Attachment style. (ep 5 & 7) Ambivalent - has terror of not knowing if will be cared for. There is no trust that I will be cared for and attended to by the person. Caused by caregiver's inconsistency and intrusiveness.  *Parent ask for child to meet their spousal needs. Usually is lacking when there is no openness and honesty in the marriage. -> Triangulation. mom train child to be responsive to mom's needs.   Adult - prone to anxiety and panic. Especially when there is relational conflict with someone important to them. There's no felt sense in the nervo...

 There are many things that I do that I do not really consider God. I don't ask Him first. Perhaps on one part, I never fully surrendered my life to Him. On another part, perhaps cos I KNOW that the Holy Spirit is guiding my steps. I am led by "green light" and "red lights". However, in the area of relationship, I hardly seem able to hear God. And these few days, listening to Adam Young's podcast, I now know why. I have been so hurt and have so many implicit memories that, when fueled with my insecure attachment style - Ambivalent Attachment style, that I really can't hear God. My need to regulate my affect keeps calling out to do things that I am so used to. Like these few days with the discoveries that I had, I want to reach out to Joel. I don't know the real motivation but I suspect, it is to get his pity and acknowledgment. I realised that when I first met him, he was "stable" and made me feel secure. He validated me. But due to my atta...

 I guess first step is to accept i duno wat is the second step but i have so much inside that i want to say to him.  yet i duno if i should i am feeling upset cos i was almost over him already by the time he contacted me in may. i still dont know why God allowed him back into my life. I don't know even to say if God led him back into my life.  And at some point, I should have asked and clarified if he still felt anything for me.  I am sorry he has to go through "drama" as he calls it due to my intense personality. I love much. So I hurt much.  Of cos it matters whether or not he really reads or hears my msg (if i intend to send a vm instead) but the face is i cannot control whether he hears it or not. So in some ways, it doesn't matter, cannot matter. I will go crazy trying to control it. I cannot control how you feel about me. I know at a time like this, where there's so much going on in your life, you don't need drama. And for that, I do apologise. I am not ...

 I pray for clarity. I am hurting inside. I know cos I am reaching out to people to care for me and give me attention. With their attention, even though I am sad and whinging, I feel better.  Terence is right and I am thankful for God sending him. He said, why waste time on someone who does not appreciate me and not able to return the love that I have for him. Joel is not ready to settle down. Whatever might be the reason - fear of commitment, fear of failure in relationships, I dont know. But it is pretty obvious that he is not ready to settle down. And I am only but a companion to him.  I dont know if I should still apologise. But I know I should stop beating myself up over it. I think it would be good to give me some time to cool down.  If after a few weeks I still feel that I owe him an apology, there's nothing wrong in apologising.  Wise words - Letting go is not about denial. It is acceptance.  I need to accept that my relationship with Joel is over a...

 I made the decision, the choice to call off the relationship. I took it that we both did not value the second chance that God had given. But now I am beating myself up over it. That I was the one being silly.  In the middle of the night, the mind showed me that I could have asked the questions without feeling uncomfortable. He had always answered my questions. just cos he kept his company name from me shouldn't have meant anything. Everyone has their right to be uncomfortable about things that they want to share.  when he said we are focusing on japan, I could have asked "who is we?" and "so what are you guys doing in japan?" Rather than feel like he is keeping info from me. He would have replied me. We could have other catch ups. The movie was the first. And we did not get to chat much because he was late and there's no dine in to sit down and chat.  Oh Carol... what did you do?  This feeling of having stuffed up "again" really sucks. And I know ...

 I was mad last night. And I am glad that I didn't take the call last night. Praise God for good timing.  I know there isn't much for me to Praise God for in the area of relationships, but I praise God! For His absolute timing for the call. And I Praise God for saving me from future heartache. I Praise God for the second chance that had been given that did not work out.  Although it feels like I don't know how I can trust God in the area of relationships, whether He will eventually bring my husband to me, from the above, I KNOW I can trust God. For whatever reasons, He gave me a second chance, to get to know Joel, for Joel to get to know me. But I also can see that Joel was not interested. Although it hurts, at least this time round, the decision was not made out of spite or anger. It has been sitting in my mind for the longest time. I just didn't think it would work. Because I had expectations for friendships. And from an early time I could already see it wasn't go...