2021 - Its been 10 years

 Perhaps I placed my hopes too high. I was pleasantly surprised when Joel texted me out of the blue. But of cos things didn't progress. Call it bad timing or not fated. Perhaps he is the jinx, since events got in his way of his previous relationship that could have been a marriage.  TATs were saying he probably contacted me cos he was horny. Which... I can't see the sense in that, cos he didn't ask me out and didn't make a move on me. And it has been a month since he contacted me.  And I asked how come he disappeared on me in Oct and his excuse is that he got too busy. M says its irresponsible and he takes people for granted. I don't know anymore. Cos I can't tell who is right or wrong and what is true and false.  I just wish my brain would stop thinking and not place any hopes on a relationship with him. I really want to move on and have a relationship with someone who wants to have a relationship with me.  I do believe I can deal with a working relationship wi...

My thoughts are far and wide yet my journaling is few and limited. Since my sessions with Deaconess Tammie started, and she asked me to be more curious about things, I have had alot of questions, as well as judgmental statements made about myself.  Discoveries: 1. I tend to think in black/white, yes/no. This limits my ability to have a flexible response when something happens 2. I tend to question/doubt myself, whether I am good enough, pretty enough. There's always someone out there whom I think is prettier than me, more lovable than me.  Qn - But in comparison to what? Who's standards am I measuring up to?  Take the case of Joel. The thoughts in my brain would be: - There's someone younger than me - There's someone prettier than me - There's someone more capable than me => I have missed the point of what it is about me that he likes and will continue growing to like. Where did this questioning come about? How did it come about?  I wonder if how my. mom had trea...