10 June 2021 - Reflections (Confusion)

 Perhaps I placed my hopes too high. I was pleasantly surprised when Joel texted me out of the blue. But of cos things didn't progress. Call it bad timing or not fated. Perhaps he is the jinx, since events got in his way of his previous relationship that could have been a marriage. 

TATs were saying he probably contacted me cos he was horny. Which... I can't see the sense in that, cos he didn't ask me out and didn't make a move on me. And it has been a month since he contacted me. 

And I asked how come he disappeared on me in Oct and his excuse is that he got too busy. M says its irresponsible and he takes people for granted. I don't know anymore. Cos I can't tell who is right or wrong and what is true and false. 

I just wish my brain would stop thinking and not place any hopes on a relationship with him. I really want to move on and have a relationship with someone who wants to have a relationship with me. 

I do believe I can deal with a working relationship with him but not as friends. Cos he is an untouchable. I cannot let my feelings get the better of me. 

i wish I can be crazy busy. That way i won't think of him or hold any hopes of being with him. 

Its like with S or any of my other crushes. Its ok to be friends with them when it is purely on a friend level. No flirting. But once some sort of flirting starts, like with B, it really causes problems. But like with C, even though I liked him, but when he said he is not ready to be in a relationship, as disappointed as I was, it was ok to hang out and flirt and chat. He crossed the line only when he made a move. THAT is a bad guy. 

Sigh.... Lord, wat should I do? I guess I should just get myself distracted. I am thankful for Michelle. For suggesting we do healthy things so I can be distracted. But really, I should go on dates. But I dont know how anymore. 

Help me Lord!

sigh... 

p/s: I really dont think he is that evil. He definitely has a problem. I believe he is a terrible communicator. And I don't know if he is willing to learn or cares about it. But I do believe he has a good heart. He is not a playboy. That much I think... or hope to believe. 

I guess he does have dozens of women who throw themselves at his feet and tonnes of female friends. I do remember many of them giving him gifts like moisturizer etc. 

sigh i duno.. it seems like I am always misunderstanding him. Cos I have a fixed idea of how someone like him would live his life. But I guess I dont know him well enough to know if that is really his lifestyle or not. 

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