2021 - Its been 10 years

 Once again I had a shouting match with mom today. Again she played victim. Again she played out her victim conversation in her mind even though that’s not what happened.  I will record our conversation the next time. So there’s no he say she say.  And I am now very sure she is not just a garden sinner but a wicked person.  She has her own excuses for saying what she says and behaving how she behaves.  I refuse to react to her anymore.  I also would like to move out. I’m just sick and tired of having to deal with them. I can renovate the house later when they pass away. I want my own space to do my own things. So I can keep it clean and be happy it is clean. I’m sick and tired of living in a pig sty. I want to move out and rent out the current room.  Mom can deal with the tenants regarding how dirty or clean the place is to be. I will get whatever space I need in the fridge and not get annoyed with all the plastic bags I see.  Enough is enough. No...

1 day ago, I posted in our Cg chatgroup some prayer requests. And Helen replied with the following.  Praise God for CG. It’s their love, their reminder, pointing me back to Jesus that gives me the courage to continue living and believing   God sees everything you’re going through. “The eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love” (Psalm 33:18 NIV).  God cares about everything you’re going through. “But I will watch for the LORD; I will wait confidently for God, who will save me. My God will hear me” (Micah 7:7 GNT).  God has the power to change what you’re going through. “Ask, and you will be given what you ask for. Seek, and you will find. Knock, and the door will be opened” (Matthew 7:7 TLB).  God always acts out of his goodness to you. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28 NIV).  God's plan is always better than...

 I believe my awareness level is higher, now that I have heard about affect. But perhaps not where I want to be. I get annoyed then I notice or become aware that I am in hyper mode. I wish I could catch myself before I go into hyper mode. And I have been asking myself alot of questions. Such as why do I get irritated and upset with people. People who .... say I met on the streets and are not behaving the way I think they should, e.g. playing dramas loudly on their phones, walking in a zig zag way and blocking me, walking slowly in front of me, being totally clueless and unaware and thus blocking the escalator.  Why? Why are these all a big deal to me? It shouldn't be. It has almost nothing to do with me. Why do I get so upset? What triggers it? Why does my body go into hyper mode? And then I am unable to regulate my affect and return to the peaceful 5-6 mode.  This is really frustrating.  At the same time, i know my journey of healing started long ago. How long? I do...

Trauma - We deal with and defend against harm and heartache in the way that we learnt how to mitigate it when we were young. Look at how we had built our defend structures to mitigate the pain and heartache when we were young. A-tunement establishes the possibility of secure attachment. Attachment - Influences how I relate to the people around me, INCLUDING GOD. I have  a insecure attachment style. Ambivalent Attachment style. (ep 5 & 7) Ambivalent - has terror of not knowing if will be cared for. There is no trust that I will be cared for and attended to by the person. Caused by caregiver's inconsistency and intrusiveness.  *Parent ask for child to meet their spousal needs. Usually is lacking when there is no openness and honesty in the marriage. -> Triangulation. mom train child to be responsive to mom's needs.   Adult - prone to anxiety and panic. Especially when there is relational conflict with someone important to them. There's no felt sense in the nervo...

 There are many things that I do that I do not really consider God. I don't ask Him first. Perhaps on one part, I never fully surrendered my life to Him. On another part, perhaps cos I KNOW that the Holy Spirit is guiding my steps. I am led by "green light" and "red lights". However, in the area of relationship, I hardly seem able to hear God. And these few days, listening to Adam Young's podcast, I now know why. I have been so hurt and have so many implicit memories that, when fueled with my insecure attachment style - Ambivalent Attachment style, that I really can't hear God. My need to regulate my affect keeps calling out to do things that I am so used to. Like these few days with the discoveries that I had, I want to reach out to Joel. I don't know the real motivation but I suspect, it is to get his pity and acknowledgment. I realised that when I first met him, he was "stable" and made me feel secure. He validated me. But due to my atta...

 I guess first step is to accept i duno wat is the second step but i have so much inside that i want to say to him.  yet i duno if i should i am feeling upset cos i was almost over him already by the time he contacted me in may. i still dont know why God allowed him back into my life. I don't know even to say if God led him back into my life.  And at some point, I should have asked and clarified if he still felt anything for me.  I am sorry he has to go through "drama" as he calls it due to my intense personality. I love much. So I hurt much.  Of cos it matters whether or not he really reads or hears my msg (if i intend to send a vm instead) but the face is i cannot control whether he hears it or not. So in some ways, it doesn't matter, cannot matter. I will go crazy trying to control it. I cannot control how you feel about me. I know at a time like this, where there's so much going on in your life, you don't need drama. And for that, I do apologise. I am not ...