11 Aug 2021 - Awareness and frustrations

 I believe my awareness level is higher, now that I have heard about affect. But perhaps not where I want to be. I get annoyed then I notice or become aware that I am in hyper mode. I wish I could catch myself before I go into hyper mode. And I have been asking myself alot of questions. Such as why do I get irritated and upset with people. People who .... say I met on the streets and are not behaving the way I think they should, e.g. playing dramas loudly on their phones, walking in a zig zag way and blocking me, walking slowly in front of me, being totally clueless and unaware and thus blocking the escalator. 

Why? Why are these all a big deal to me? It shouldn't be. It has almost nothing to do with me. Why do I get so upset? What triggers it? Why does my body go into hyper mode? And then I am unable to regulate my affect and return to the peaceful 5-6 mode. 

This is really frustrating. 



At the same time, i know my journey of healing started long ago. How long? I don't know. Logically I would say from the time I was enrolled in AsiaWorks. Or perhaps even when I came into contact with my piano teacher Esther Ee. For that was when I came to know Christ. 

And if it was as way back as that, then wouldn't my healing journey have taken too long a time? Cos God could have intervened earlier yet He didn't. 

Yet since then till now, somehow, why do I feel like God has been by my side, watching me. Probably also guiding me. I know for sure He is allowing certain things to happen. And these things have culminated to who I am and where I am this day. 

Joel is definitely not a coincidence (I now know) and is part of my healing journey, despite how I did not like what happened. His return also I now believe is God ordained. If not for him, I would not have reached out to Deaconnes Tammie. And would not be having the sessions with her and KC. 


Right Time, Right Place. I definitely was in the right time and right place. I just didn't know it at that time. 


And his return. Me breaking the friendship. It was all orchestrated. The series of events is what led me to search and seek an answer to end the pain I am in. And as time and place allows, God led Michelle to share the podcast by Adam Young. 


Right Time, Right Place. So true. 


Although I still do not know how my healing will take place, and if I need to see a counsellor or just speaking with Dcn Tammie and KC is enough, I think I am quite assured that I am on the road to recovery and wholeness. 


Of course there are still many questions I have. Like Why do I indulge in sexual arousal when I know it is "wrong". Maybe wrong is not the best word but unuseful. What is it that I am trying to receive when I flirt with sexual arousal and even masturbation? 

What am I grasping for when I keep wanting to fix things with Joel? Apart from the basic - God did not mean for us to be alone and meant us to be in relationship, is there really nothing else? Am I grasping and trying to claw back the friendship/relationship because of this basic nature? Or am I wanting more? Due to my attachment style? My trauma? What is it? Why? 


Oh Lord, reveal to me the truth and help me to heal. You said You are the Healer of broken hearts. 

Pslam 34:18 - The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed. (NLT)


I know that Flirting with Jason is dangerous. Yet I enjoy doing it. It is so hard to hold back. I desire to sleep with him, although I know he is not whom I desire. My loins burn with desire. 

Why? What is it that I think I am satisfying by having a sexual relationship with someone? 








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