4 June 2021 - Reflections (Too many questions)

My thoughts are far and wide yet my journaling is few and limited.

Since my sessions with Deaconess Tammie started, and she asked me to be more curious about things, I have had alot of questions, as well as judgmental statements made about myself. 

Discoveries:

1. I tend to think in black/white, yes/no. This limits my ability to have a flexible response when something happens

2. I tend to question/doubt myself, whether I am good enough, pretty enough. There's always someone out there whom I think is prettier than me, more lovable than me. 

Qn - But in comparison to what? Who's standards am I measuring up to? 

Take the case of Joel. The thoughts in my brain would be:

- There's someone younger than me

- There's someone prettier than me

- There's someone more capable than me

=> I have missed the point of what it is about me that he likes and will continue growing to like. Where did this questioning come about? How did it come about? 

I wonder if how my. mom had treated me when I was young contributed partly to it and the rest were built up from the men that I dated. I know someone who would talk that way - Toby. He never talked that way to me. But that's how he would always comment about himself. 

No doubt he was in my life for just a little time. But even that short time, can be detrimental if I picked up a bad habit from him. Since then I became even more critical of myself (I think). 

I'm trying to recall back if I were always that critical. At certain points in time, yes. Although I believe it was more outward expressions of others, e.g. waiters. But I know that over time, I had become flexible about my standards. But my fears of being unwanted grew I guess. Each breakup just added to my fears and "proved" my critique right - that I wasn't good enough. 

So ..... now... did I not meet the right (as in suitable person) or was I the one with the issue and therefore just could not accept anyone else? And ended up pushing people away? 

Added issue now:

And now, since I am aware, it kinda adds on to another layer of self-criticism. Cos then I will scold myself for "doing it again". It is miserable. 

Anyways back to Discoveries:

3. Through what Deaconess Tammie observed, I seem to place my value on:

- my success in life

- how much people need me/love me

And I determine how much God loves me by:-

- Him "showing up" in my life - aka miracles 

- Him "talking to me" e.g. repeated message via different platforms

- Him "doing" something for me - I have a need, e.g. craving for something and He fulfils it

These 3 discoveries are big. Cos they affect how I think and perceive myself and others. I would think badly of others because that's how I thought about myself. I would question people's motives. e.g. for Joel to contact me out of the blue recently, I question his motive. I cannot fathom why he would contact me, after disappearing on me just before I had my operation. 

Yes he needs some help and I think I can give it. But I do not know how to respond to him. 

I want to keep a distance and be mindful so I don't end up hurting myself. Yet I want to be open to his intentions. Toby would say that he is just keeping his options open and keeping me on standby. So would Joline. They are both very toxic people who will make statements based on their own experiences. 

Abba, I am tired. Thank you for removing me from the toxic environment in CME. And Joline. Thank you for having me recognise that the things they say, as "friends" are meant to encourage me but it causes me more fear of others and a false impression of the person's true intentions. 

I might never know the person's true intentions. Only You would. But I need to learn to be more open to a person's intentions and not base it off my own negative experiences. 

Holy Spirit, lead me and guide me, so I can recognise when it is a prompting from you and when I am driven by fear and my own negative thoughts and past experiences. 

Last but not least, help me be a better person. I am good and well when I am not out there dealing with people. But that is how life is - it is all about people! Everything we do is about people. So help me!