2021 - Its been 10 years

 I guess it gets easier once the ball gets rolling. Before the day ends, I already wanted to take note of the things that I like myself for. And the first thing that came to mind was: 1. I like myself for having the smarts to find means and ways to cook "leftover" food and make it taste good. 2. I like that I can cook well and the quality is pretty consistent. I don't struggle like how Michelle describe, that every time she cooks, the results can be quite different. I like that I can taste food on its own and know what flavours blend well with one another to make a dish.  3. I am not wearing my track shoes today and I like that I am recovering and able to move on to my "old" clothing instead of wearing "comfortable" and "easy" clothing that I wore post surgery for the convenience of movement.  4. I met the gals yesterday for MJ and am meeting Toby for dinner and a movie tonight and I like myself for making time and space to catch up with frie...

 I reached out to Deaconess Tammie cos I am really quite lost. The suggestion she gave was really interesting but it opened up a perspective. She said, I could write something like “I like myself for being aware of my own self hatred”.  This means there’s a lot of other things I can actually like myself about. Eg  1. I like myself for having the perseverance to build my muscles up after surgery even though it is tedious.  2. I like myself for obeying the Holy Spirit and going for a run when promoted.  3. I like myself for being patient about not reaching my desired weight yet.  4. I like myself for being able to think and analyse fast.  5. I like myself for having good skin even at this age. 

 I still find it hard to find things to like about myself. Most of my feelings toward self are generated by my actions. If I didn’t do what I think I should have, I get upset with myself and dislike myself. Just as I would get angry with others and dislike them.  This is tiring and taking a toll on me. 

 It’s the 3rd day that I am supposed to journal about 5 things I love about myself. Yet I have yet to write anything. Whenever I tink of what I need to write, I can find nothing. In fact I find the opposite.  Both days 1 and 2, I didn’t work out and over ate, snack much and didn’t really do much. How to love self?  As much as I know loving self should not be related to my behaviour but that is how it is with me at the moment. Even with the kids, I feel that way.  Day 3, sat, I felt I could love myself cos I pulled myself out of the bed and went for a run. It made me very happy cos at least I was showing I loved myself. Exercise was important for me to regain my full strength. So by being able to drag myself out of bed, I showed that I loved myself enough.  And the pain from post exercise can be unbearable. During the workout, feeling so weak and “disabled” is discouraging. So going through with the workout means a great deal to me. And I am thankful to myself fo...