6 Aug 2021 - How to let go?

 I guess first step is to accept

i duno wat is the second step but i have so much inside that i want to say to him. 

yet i duno if i should

i am feeling upset cos i was almost over him already by the time he contacted me in may. i still dont know why God allowed him back into my life. I don't know even to say if God led him back into my life. 

And at some point, I should have asked and clarified if he still felt anything for me. 

I am sorry he has to go through "drama" as he calls it due to my intense personality. I love much. So I hurt much. 

Of cos it matters whether or not he really reads or hears my msg (if i intend to send a vm instead) but the face is i cannot control whether he hears it or not. So in some ways, it doesn't matter, cannot matter. I will go crazy trying to control it.

I cannot control how you feel about me. I know at a time like this, where there's so much going on in your life, you don't need drama. And for that, I do apologise. I am not sorry for feeling the way I felt and trying to articulate it. Granted, there are definitely better ways and I can only learn from my past. 

What i want to say...

The last few days have been awful. I didn't think that cutting off a friendship with you would hurt so bad. It seemed like the right thing to do to minimise the hurt I keep experiencing from you and also cos you felt my actions were dramatic and didn't seem to take well to it. I don't know if it is the right thing to do, but it has already been done. And I doubt we can turn back time and change things.  

On hindsight, perhaps I know what caused all the so called "drama". I think I wasn't ready to have you as a friend. Because I harboured feelings for you. You came back into my life at a time when I was almost over you and trying to move on. But I had been praying to God for a second chance for us. And I had been telling Him that if it was His will, bring us back together. I wanted to know you better, and hoped that you would know me for who I am too. So when you re-appeared, I thought there was hope. But of cos, it didn't quite progress the way I thought it might. 

And, I should have just asked you if you still liked me. How silly of me not to have done that. You were always so open to me and my curious questions. If I had, you probably wouldn't have experienced the "drama" as you called it. 

I get that you are not in the space to have any kind of heavy conversation and I am sorry that you had to experience that from me. But I am not sorry for who I am. Perhaps at a different time and place, you might have learnt to appreciate all that I am. 

I really wanted to know you better. There was just something in you that was different from others. As for the questions, I was curious what happened back then. It is also part of the wanting to know you process. And if you were not comfortable sharing, it would have been ok. I understand you might have felt uncomfortable. I just wanted to hear your side of the story. For I know how the media likes to skew things. And not all things reported shows the full story. 

I have always trusted you because you had always been rather steadfast, albeit the times you just mia-ed. But you never hesitated answering any questions I had. Yet, I couldn't help but feel that there was a wall between us. I remember mentioning it before when we were chatting on zoom last year. Why I felt that way, I don't know. But I felt sad about it. I felt excluded. 

To be honest, I've never liked a person so much, so quickly. Not since Uni days. When we first met, I did not even think that I would like you. Physically you were not the typical guy I would date. But I really enjoyed the time I spent with you. you made me laugh. But since staying at your house, its been nothing but tears. I don't know what changed but something did. 

Perhaps our expectations were never properly communicated. You invited me to your house to do my staycation. And I assumed it was to allow us to spend more time together and know each other better. But you unceremoniously left me alone. Clueless, neglected and abandoned. 

You were always meeting people for lunch, and dinner and what not. But never had the time for me. And when I tried to speak of it, you called me selfish. To you, my behaviour and actions are passive aggressive. But have you ever wondered what was causing it? Did you not care enough to see beyond the behaviour and see what was in the heart?

How wrong was I to desire to just spend time with you and get to know you. How difficult was it to let me know how busy you are and what is the best way to get some time together. We were strangers. Some communication on how to work at things would have been great. 

And present day, I still wanted to spend time with you, get to know you, enjoy time with you. So when you kept asking me about movies yet never asked me to watch it with you, it really hurt me. And I couldn't see the point of the friendship. It was like a virtual friend I had. And even my virtual friend spends more time chatting and sharing stuff with me than you did. 

That was why I wanted to keep things strictly "business". It was manageable to see you as a client and help you cos I thought you needed help. But I was wrong and again I was hurt. Thinking you were handling things alone, I was prepared to help you with the marketing side of stuff. I had nothing better to do at work and was totally bored. I have always loved the marketing aspect of things and enjoyed my advertising days in Australia. 

You never mentioned hiring anyone, which you really could have shared that info earlier. That way, I would have helped from a stop gap point of view rather than to go all out and then feel like my time and effort were wasted because you already had plans. The other one was withholding the name of your company. I am not silly. And if you told me you didn't want the govt to know or have a record of your business, I would never have said anything. But you really shouldn't have withheld your company name from me. It felt like you didn't trust me and really hurt.

You often share how tedious work was for you, but you never quite shared what you were doing. I had to piece things together through the bits and pieces of statements you made. I felt kept in the dark, like an outsider. From your perspective, probably I didn't ask the right questions either. I really wanted to know what you were doing, what you were going through and hopefully be able to take some of that burden off you. But I guess that's not what you want or need and all that was just one sided on my part. 

I don't know where you are at and I dont want to presume. But it seems like you were not ready to settle down even when we first met. Your work is just an excuse for you to get out of it. It seems like all you want is companionship but not the commitment. Feels the same even now. Why ask me out to movies out of the blue? Cos I said I will find someone else to have sex with cos you didnt want to do it with me? why break the tradition of asking me about movies and then going to watch it with someone else?

Its really time for me to move on. Its been almost 1.5 years. I think I deserve better. Someone who will not take my faults to be selfishness or wilfulness. Someone who will look behind the behaviour to ask why? What's wrong? Rather than get offended or upset by it. Someone who can appreciate me for being open, honest, baring my heart and soul and not take it that it is heavy or drama. 

 If you have even the patience to listen up to this point, then let me say thank you. 

I dont know if I should send it. But I will hang on to it for awhile. A few days perhaps. If the need passes, then it shall just remain as a note in my journal. 

Abba, help. hlep... 

Letting go is not denial. It is acceptance. 

I am blessed above all people. And I deserve better.