8 Aug 2021 - Recognising God

 There are many things that I do that I do not really consider God. I don't ask Him first. Perhaps on one part, I never fully surrendered my life to Him. On another part, perhaps cos I KNOW that the Holy Spirit is guiding my steps. I am led by "green light" and "red lights".

However, in the area of relationship, I hardly seem able to hear God. And these few days, listening to Adam Young's podcast, I now know why. I have been so hurt and have so many implicit memories that, when fueled with my insecure attachment style - Ambivalent Attachment style, that I really can't hear God. My need to regulate my affect keeps calling out to do things that I am so used to.

Like these few days with the discoveries that I had, I want to reach out to Joel. I don't know the real motivation but I suspect, it is to get his pity and acknowledgment. I realised that when I first met him, he was "stable" and made me feel secure. He validated me. But due to my attachment style, I kept seeking his validation. And I think that kinda pushed him away. 

Also due to my attachment style and the hurts that I have experienced in the past, I see now how every relationship that I enter into, I sabotage it. Unconsciously. I have been primed to pick up little signals, which speak to me to say that I am unwanted and undesired. Which might not be true. In fact, I would safely say they are lies. 

And this boils down to the dynamics of how I was with my family when I was growing up. I never felt wanted. I felt needed. I felt the need to take on the parenting of the household. And I still do. But I never felt wanted. 

When I was young (I can't remember how old I was) and dad took me out. But it was not an outing for me. I was an excuse, a tool for him to meet a woman he was having a fling with. I was unwanted. 

I was never wanted. Dad never came back for dinner. Mom never had dinner with us. Only our maids - Mary, Lucy and whoever else that I cannot remember their names. 

When I dated in secondary school, I was never wanted. My first bf, Joel, wanted me as a trophy. He never cared for me. And the one who wanted me, I missed out. Because of him.

Timothy didn't want me. He wanted sex. 

Terence wanted me but I got afraid of the physical intimacy we had. 

Ken didn't want me.  He wanted sex and when found out by Steven, he abandoned me. Whatever was that dude's name from the sex shop only wanted my money. Toby wanted to be attached but he didn't want me either. He needed me. To take care of him. 

The list goes on. Over time, I gathered enough ammunition that I am never wanted. So unless the man I meet is very stable and had secure attachment, and able to provide the safety and security that I need, or until this "cycle" is broken and I learn to gather my safety and security from God, it is a vicious cycle that I am stuck in. 

Holy Spirit, help me to hear your voice! 

For now, I strongly believe my desire/need to reach out to Joel is not of you but of my flesh. Cos there is a level of anxiousness that is created when I say no to it. 

I highly suspect it is my way of trying to regulate my affect. To cope with my hurt and loss. This cycle cannot continue. Lord help me to break it. Perhaps when I am stable I might reach out but for now, really not a good idea. I keep having the inkling that I want to impress him, to show him that I am ok. That I can be a good friend. And "hope" that we can reconcile and have a second (now would be third) chance. 









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