10 Aug 2021 - Attachment styles & how I relate to God

Trauma - We deal with and defend against harm and heartache in the way that we learnt how to mitigate it when we were young. Look at how we had built our defend structures to mitigate the pain and heartache when we were young.


A-tunement establishes the possibility of secure attachment.

Attachment - Influences how I relate to the people around me, INCLUDING GOD. I have  a insecure attachment style. Ambivalent Attachment style. (ep 5 & 7)

Ambivalent - has terror of not knowing if will be cared for. There is no trust that I will be cared for and attended to by the person. Caused by caregiver's inconsistency and intrusiveness. 

*Parent ask for child to meet their spousal needs. Usually is lacking when there is no openness and honesty in the marriage. -> Triangulation. mom train child to be responsive to mom's needs.  

Adult - prone to anxiety and panic. Especially when there is relational conflict with someone important to them. There's no felt sense in the nervous system that there will be repair. Gets dis-regulated affect into hyper arousal (panic, terror, fear). 


Avoidant attachment - Caregiver was dismissive and rejecting of you = they didn't respond to your cries for help. 

*NOTE - I felt that way with mom too. That she didn't respond to my cries for help. My fundamental experience of life is kinda that of an orphan. No one was there for me. My emotional needs didn't matter to my primary caregivers. 

Adult will be distant emotionally cos they dont feel a need for emotional connection. They do not want to be rejected. 


So how does my attachment style play out with God?

-- Feel a sense of anxiety and at times fear

- Have a history of pre-occupation whether or not God loves me

- Gets frustrated or angry when I cannot sense God working in my day to day life

- The whole idea of maintaining a healthy relationship with God is very important and you will work at it

- Relationship marked by a sense of "God do you see me? And if you do, why do you not respond to me?"

-> your brain has been shaped to anticipate relationship disappointment. You expect God not to be there for you. You expect to be dropped. -> abandonment. Your times of prayer are more emotional and fragile. You get big highs and periods of absence where you do not feel that God is present at all.

That up and down evokes fear and panic. You don't know if you can count on God. God seems unpredictable to you. 


Avoidant attachment

- Unlikely they are able to bring emotions to God and have intimacy with God. Their relationship with God is more cerebral. They will feel like something is not quite right. When in distress, will not reach out to God, to protect against God's possible absence. Just bring the mind to God to make sense of the absence. 

- They cannot bring their heart to God. They can read scripture and books, etc. Cos it is very cerebral. But they will have a hard time bringing their desires to God - their longings n desires. 

*If you ask an avoidant attached adult what are they longing for from God, they might say it is not a relevant question. 

-> They probably will be puzzled by the pouring out of emotions in psalms 


Securely attached people

- Can remain connected to God through the highs and lows in life

- Won't panic when God feels distant and far away

- Have low anxiety with God


SELF-CONTEMPT

Insecurely attached people - might have self-contempt for themselves rather than kindness. 


I feel like my attachment style is slightly mixed. Cos I strongly felt the my needs were not met by my parents, especially my mom. I often do not feel "heard". And of cos my needs went unmet. Dad was absent, so needless to speak about him. 


There is so much anger that is bubbling up within me. This is way more than just anger management. And that makes me even more angry with the people who have over the years told me that I need to manage my anger. 


Our Hearing from God is fraught

- Depends on whether we have come to terms that we deeply needed our parents to speak into our hearts

- We are not a-tuned to the gentle stillness of God's voice. Its very unobtrusive. It takes the form of thoughts that's our thoughts though the thoughts are not from us. 

NOTE: Learning to hear from God is based on experience


-> Have a kindness and a patience

-> Have a curiosity why you might not be hearing from God

-> Take Jesus' words seriously that you are IN HIM

-> There is a different weight to the thought you have that is from God than all the other thoughts that course through your mind. 

-> There is a character to the voice of God. It is always inviting and kind.


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