4 Aug 2021 - The breakup (again)

 I was mad last night. And I am glad that I didn't take the call last night. Praise God for good timing. 

I know there isn't much for me to Praise God for in the area of relationships, but I praise God! For His absolute timing for the call. And I Praise God for saving me from future heartache. I Praise God for the second chance that had been given that did not work out. 

Although it feels like I don't know how I can trust God in the area of relationships, whether He will eventually bring my husband to me, from the above, I KNOW I can trust God. For whatever reasons, He gave me a second chance, to get to know Joel, for Joel to get to know me. But I also can see that Joel was not interested. Although it hurts, at least this time round, the decision was not made out of spite or anger. It has been sitting in my mind for the longest time. I just didn't think it would work. Because I had expectations for friendships. And from an early time I could already see it wasn't going the way I wanted it to. 

Toby says that he will waltz his way back into my life. And somehow while penning this part, it feels like dejavu. Regardless of whether he would or would not waltz his way into my life, I do not think him being in my life at this time is useful. I am relieved albeit really sad. 

And i think even more I need to put my trust in God. 


Before today, I kept wondering why God allowed him back into my life. Was it cos we are meant to be. But I can see now that despite how emotional I was back then, I had picked up red flags and said what i said, did what i did. And this time round, I picked it up again. Not that he is a bad guy. And that is why it was so hard to cut ties. Cos he was all i ever wanted yet it was difficult to pick out the red flags. 

I do remember when the articles came out, I had an epiphany. But I didn't pen it so I have no idea what they were anymore. But I remember thinking that it was better to dislike joel than to keep liking him. I couldn't figure out why I was so obsessed with him. 

but today, I see that the impression of him was based on when we met in the first 3 weeks. It was absolutely fun and amazing. But that is just a small fragment of who he is, yet I made it all of him. He is much more than I can take. I am simple. He is complex. 

Whatever it is, Lord I trust you! And Thank you for the second chance, even though it didn't work out. 

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