5 Aug 2021 - Beating myself up (again)

 I made the decision, the choice to call off the relationship. I took it that we both did not value the second chance that God had given. But now I am beating myself up over it. That I was the one being silly. 

In the middle of the night, the mind showed me that I could have asked the questions without feeling uncomfortable. He had always answered my questions. just cos he kept his company name from me shouldn't have meant anything. Everyone has their right to be uncomfortable about things that they want to share. 

when he said we are focusing on japan, I could have asked "who is we?" and "so what are you guys doing in japan?" Rather than feel like he is keeping info from me. He would have replied me. We could have other catch ups. The movie was the first. And we did not get to chat much because he was late and there's no dine in to sit down and chat. 

Oh Carol... what did you do? 

This feeling of having stuffed up "again" really sucks. And I know God's grace is bigger than my mistakes. But to expect God to sort my shit out every single time kinda seems to take things for granted and not change or improve. Yet I seem to keep making the same mistakes over and over. 

I need help! 

This feeling of being a failure in the area of relationships really is eating into me and I really just feel like ending my life. But for the sake of my parents, I might just have to stay alive awhile more. But I really don't feel like living. There doesn't seem to be any hope for finding a life partner and no guarantee that I wont stuff up the next relationship I get into. I am just so tired of making mistakes. Mistakes that I never seem to learn from. 

when I made that call, I thought I was very level headed, yet now, just 24 hours after, I feel like shit. And it seems like I might have made the decision out of fear again. Fear that we would never get together. I didn't trust God. Not at all. If I trust God, I would not have taken action on my own but to bring the matter to God and to pray about it and then leave it and trust God to work things out. But I didn't. I made a choice. I chose to walk away. And now there's no turning back. 

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