Feb 2021 - Finding myself

 Its been 10 years since I started writing in this blog. Started after my breakup with Toulia and I didn't have enough books to write in. And also everything was going digital.

10 years on and I am still writing about the same things - a relationship that I still do not have. 

There is so much within me that I do not know how to express. And it has all built up into pain. Pain from being misunderstood, never understood, never loved, rejected. 

It has been 6 years since I came back to Singapore, to fulfil a "greater calling" from God but I don't feel anywhere close. I am doing things that I don't enjoy. I don't like the horror genre nor rom com nor family drama. Even more I do not like Singapore movies. And I definitely do not like doing advertisements in Singapore. I do not know what else to do already. 

But if I were to find a job overseas, I feel like I am running away again. Am I? I don't know what to do already. Typing my thoughts here is totally different from talking to God about it. No doubt I get some thoughts out but there is no emotional release. Cos I don't feel heard. 

All my life I strive to be honest and direct. Cos I don't like to be lied to nor fooled. Is that so wrong? Why am I disliked cos of that? 

I get angry and upset with people who do not perform because I cannot understand why they cannot perform. Is that wrong too? 

All I want is someone to love me. Love me the way I am flaws and all. 

Where has my confidence gone to? After years of rejection, I feel like I no longer have confidence left. 

God's grace? God's grace is supposed to be bigger than my mistakes. But 1- Why do I make the same mistake over and over again? Why does He allow it to happen? Why not help me to change? Why not save me from that same mistake? 

2- Where is His grace? If His grace is bigger than my mistakes, then why am I still single? 

It takes so long for me to reset each time. And each time it gets longer and longer. 

I want to have a sound mind and no longer be affected by the voices in my head - the fears of failure, of criticism, of being disliked. 

I want to do what I really want to do. Being in mm2 is not the answer nor solution. It probably was previously, but it no longer is. Watching Start up, I realise I want to be in a company that moves faster, takes more risks and gives more authority to its staff. There are advantageous when every decision the company makes has to be with the chairman, but it is also not good when he does not base his actions on data but his own emotions and relationships. 


Nonetheless, its time to stop drifting. God made me so I can thrive in this whole and show Him off and His work off to the world so they KNOW He is God! 


I want to restart, reset my life. That's probably why I had wished that my memories would be erased. So that I would forget all the hurt and pain I had been through before. And start life anew. God is supposed to be able to help me do that, but He hasn't. I don't know the reason why. But I'm sure He has His reasons. He knows best afterall right?

What's important is that I HAVE TO TRUST God. KNOW that HE LOVES ME! 


Proverbs 31 - I am a woman with noble character. A wife that is worth more than rubies! My husband has full confidence in me and lacks nothing in value!

I declare it and claim it, even though I don't have a husband now nor am I dating. God loves me and will bring my husband to me. 

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